C is for Children
by arualms
Summary: Angsty futurefic. Warning: character death. OneshotA look into Ryan's life after a horrible tragedy


AN: Yes, I am supposed to finish Dealing. No, I still haven't managed to write that damn chapter. Instead, I got hit by a stupid plotbunny that wouldn't go away. And even though I'm not sure about the result, I want to finish the letterlove challenge soon.

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Warning: character death. But hey, at least I didn't kill Ryan.

**C is for Children**

„My God, what a beautiful little girl you have" the lady at the cashier exclaims, smiling brightly „she's lucky she got her daddy's beautiful hair, huh? Such a cutie."

And just like that, Ryan feels like he has to puke. He doesn't, of course, He's good at controlling himself, concealing whatever emotion he might have from people who have no business knowing. He also doesn't tell her that Sarah has her mother's hair, that her daddy gave his son what he used to refer to as a jewfro and that there is nothing she got from Ryan, because they don't share a single gene.

The cashier-lady wouldn't understand it even if it were any of her business, he tells himself. His quiet has nothing to do with the fact that talking about it would mean thinking about it, and there is no way he can make it through the day he has ahead of him if he has a nervous breakdown. He's no use to anyone like that, least of all Sarah.

Juggling the 14-months-old on his hip while at the same time putting the grocery bags into the trunk isn't easy, but he's gotten good at it and it's better then letting her stand on her own and constantly worry that she might run off, far to tiny for any driver to be seen while passing, playing hide and seek between the other parked cars on the lot. She likes being held and doesn't protest if maybe his grip on her is a little tighter right now.

While driving, he keeps a watchful eye on Sarah in the mirror, watching her sitting in her child seat in the back, talking to herself in a language that no one understands. Ryan's hands clench on the steering wheel at the though that the need to talk all the time is definitely something Sandy passed on to both his children.

Ryan pulls to a stop in front of his apartment building and thankfully manages to get Sarah out of the seat with a minimum of fussing. For some reason, the girl loves driving, yet another fact that Ryan prefers not to acknowledge. He only drives when it's absolutely necessary.

Laden with grocery bags, he walks through the hall and towards the elevator, making sure to keep his steps short enough for Sarah to keep holding on to the lag of his jeans while walking along. She can do it without help, but somehow she has apparently caught on the fact that Ryan prefers to keep her as close as possible whenever he can.

A short ride in the elevator later, they enter the apartment and Sarah expresses her delight at having her toys back by squealing enthusiastically and rushing towards the blanket filled with dolls and stuffed animals that takes up about half the open floor space opposite the couch.

Ryan rounds the counter and begins putting the groceries away, listening to the messages that were left while he and Sarah were gone.

"Hey, Ryan. Uhm, it's me. Summer. I just wanted to hear how you're doing, you and Sarah both. I'll be in California next month, we are organizing a protest and…anyway, I would like to see you, catch up a little. Call me!"

Summer has been all over the country for more than half a year now, saving animals, plants and whatever else needs protection. Ryan has only seen her a few times and honestly, he isn't sure if he wants to talk to her now. To himself at least he can admit that he is still mad at her. They could have needed her help. Maybe if she had been there more…

"Ryan, it's Hailey. How are you? And that adorable little niece of mine? Listen, I know you said you don't need my help, but I just wanted to make sure once again that you will call me if you do. You two are family, and while I may not have always been the best aunt you could wish for, I need you to know that you can always call. Ok?"

She leaves a message like that every time she calls and he isn't there. It's nice, knowing that she thinks about them, worries enough to call him at least once a week, and yet knows not to force her help on him when he doesn't want it. He believes her when she says she loves them, but Ryan knows that at least part of it isn't really about them but about making up for not being there for Kirsten all those times in the past. He knows guilt when he sees it, it greets him in the mirror every morning.

"Ryan, this is Sophie. I know your finals start in three weeks, so I will be coming to San Francisco after the weekend. And this is not an offer, so you don't get to refuse. I know you have a babysitter, but you will need more time to study that she can work. So I'll be there to spend some quality time with my granddaughter, and you can study in peace and enjoy actual home cooked meals for a while. I'll give you my flight info as soon as I have it."

The woman is good. She probably intentionally called when she knew he wouldn't be at home and not only did she not allow any argument, she had formulated her plans in a way that would make him the bad guy if he refused. He couldn't keep her away from her only granddaughter. Sarah deserved to spend as much time as possible with her family. That was why he had taken her up to New York over Christmas, to spend the holidays with as many relatives as possible. Sandy's siblings had been nice.

"Ryan man, where are you? Anyway, I just wanted to call you and the princess, make sure you're both ok. I'll call again later."

He is a little surprised that the message is so short. But really, Seth has turned into someone who actually likes to listen over the last months and therefore prefers actual phonecalls to endless messages. He listens to Sarah's babbling for ten minutes every night before Ryan tries to convince her that sleep is actually a good thing.

Ryan knows that it's the only thing Seth can think of to make up for what his best friend considers his weakness and abandonment of his baby sister. Ryan had tried to convince the other man that it was ok, he liked having Sarah but he knew that guilt about not being there for Sarah enough was ever-present in Seth's thoughts along with remorse for everything else.

Sarah had stopped trying to pull the dolls trousers over it's head as the last message played and was now looking at Ryan excitedly. "Es! Es!" she exclaimed, trying to get on her feet and almost overbalancing in her need to reach the phone as fast as possible.

"Es?"

She seems to be confused at the fact that her uncle's voice is suddenly no longer audible and looks at Ryan questioningly, her lower lib trembling slightly. Ryan doesn't want to her to start crying and hurries to take the phone, squatting down on the floor beside the little girl.

"Yeah, that was Seth. Do you want to call him? I'm sure he'd like to talk to you."

She reaches for the phone happily, pressing it tightly against her ear, the anticipation of being able to hear Seth clear on her eyes. It's a good thing that Ryan has his friend on speed dial, as he can quickly press the button without having to take it from her and risking a tantrum. He has read that those usually come with the terrible two's, but apparently Sarah doesn't believe in following the norm and he would very much like to avoid a demonstration of her lung capacity.

"Hello?" he can hear Seth's voice and doesn't fight the grin that spreads over his face at Sarah's exited "Es!". Hopefully the other man hadn't held the phone to close to his ear.

"Sarah, hey. How are you, princess?"

Knowing that for the next couple of minutes, Sarah will be occupied listening to Seth talking about things that she probably doesn't understand a word of, and babbling to him in a language that Seth claims makes perfect sense, (he is doubtful himself, but then he was never a talker, so maybe the fact that he only understands her words when they have at least a very vague resemblance to English is his fault), Ryan uses the time to put away at least some of the toys that are strewn around the kitchen/ living room.

It had taken him a long time and a lot of convincing from both Hailey and the Nana before he had accepted the fact that he needed such a big apartment. The thought of actually owning a three bedroom apartment with garage space in a guarded building while going to college had seemed absurd to him. But Sarah did need her own room and with Hailey, the Nana, Seth, Julie and Kaitlin visiting all the time, having a guestroom / study made sense. He would have never spent this much money for himself, no matter how often people told him that Sandy and Kirsten would have wanted him to only have the best, but spending a part of his ridiculously huge inheritance to make sure that Sarah was not missing anything was something he could get behind. The fact that Mrs. Lawrence from 4c had an 18-year old daughter who took turns with her mother babysitting Sarah when he had to be in class was an added bonus.

Going back to Berkeley was another thing that he hadn't wanted to do at first, not willing to leave Sarah alone with anyone. But then Julie had cornered him and told him in no uncertain terms that throwing his future away like that would have been the last thing Sandy and Kirsten would have wanted. And Ryan had remembered his first meeting with Sandy, his conviction that Ryan was smart and could go places; the determination on Kirsten's face when she talked Dr. Kim into letting him attend Harbor and the proud look in their eyes when they had driven him up to San Francisco the first time. And he knew that Julie was right.

So he had listened to her (the fact that after her luckily non-violent break up with his father, the woman still considered him a part of her family still astonished him every now and then) and made arrangement that allowed him to take care of Sarah and fill his quota of courses. It definitely wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

"Ian!"

He puts away the last stray block and turns towards her, taking the phone the held up to him. The dial tone is the only thing he can hear. Seth had probably wanted to talk to him, but ever since Sarah had figured out that the phone had buttons she could push, she tended to end phone calls by accident when she got bored. He'll call Seth back later.

"Did you have a good talk with Seth?" When trying to get Sarah to take a nap, not letting her realize what was going on to soon was important, so Ryan nods occasionally in reaction to the unintelligible babble that now fills his ears while carefully picking her up and making his way towards her bedroom.

"Mama, Dada."

He stops abruptly, then follows her outstretched arm with his eyes to land on the picture of Sandy and Kirsten that hangs on the wall between their bedroom doors.

"Yeah, those are your mom and dad." he agrees, unconsciously holding the girl a little closer. It's not fair, he thinks for the thousands time, that Sarah will never get to say those words to her parents faces. Not fair that the only things she will know about them will be the things that others tell her. Not fair that, no matter how much Ryan will always try to protect her, some day she will hear from someone that after her dad died in a car accident (Ryan really, really hates cars), her mom was so sad that she didn't want to live with the sadness anymore.

Ryan has no idea how he supposed to explain depression to Sarah when that time comes, how to make her understand that Kirsten emptied the medicine cabinet not because she didn't love Sarah but because Sandy had been so much a part of her that when he was gone, there just wasn't enough of her left to survive. He doesn't know how he will ever explain any of this to the girl, and is incredibly glad that the day when he will have to is still far away in the future.

But still, it's not fair that he has more memories of her parents than she does, got to spend five years with them as his family and she won't remember them at all.

And yet, at least Sarah isn't suffering the way Seth is.

Ryan is still grieving, doesn't think it's going to stop anytime soon, but Seth had been the one who found Kirsten. It had taken the doctors a week to get him to respond to questions, and even then it had been subdued, one-word answers. Ryan understood the feeling; a part of him had wanted to hide from the world as well.

But Sarah had been there, had needed him and so many thing had to be organized and taken care of. Before he knew it, a week had passed, and Kirsten was lying by Sandy's side again. And he hadn't lost it. He's still not sure how he survived the first months, taking care of a baby he usually only saw when he was home for the weekend, visiting Seth in the hospital whenever possible, talking to lawyers and Newpsies and tons of people he had never even met. He knows that the Cooper-women helped, knows that Summer didn't because she was in Norway at the time and couldn't get away, that the Nana had scared people away when it got too much. He had done anything he could to keep himself from thinking about the fact that he had lost both his parents within a month, and Sarah had turned out to be the perfect distraction, at least for a while.

He also remembers Taylor stopping by one night, telling him that they might be broken up- and yes, she had been too needy and it was better for both of them-, but she was still his friend and she wanted him to know that she would do whatever she could to help. "Whatever she could" had turned out to be taking him to the guestroom and take off her and his clothes. "Don't worry, I know this won't mean anything. That's ok, this isn't about me." she had said and pushed him onto the bed.

Ryan was pretty sure he had been in the anger-stage by then, because what followed had been the best angry sex he had ever had. Afterwards, while they had been lying on the covers damp with sweat and panting with exhaustion, she had turned towards him. "You need to take care of yourself too, ok? I am happy that you're not in the hospital, but you lost them just like Seth did. You have to let yourself grief, Ryan. Sarah needs you and that means you can't go cage fighting this time. And I am saying this even though I never got to see you in the ring and would give a lot to get you there, because you must have looked incredibly sexy. So, you know I really mean it."

He had laughed at that, and somehow laughing had turned into crying, and Taylor had just stayed on the bed with him. When Sarah had started crying, she had ordered him to get some sleep and proceeded to take care of her for the night.

He is still great full for Taylor being Taylor, and she has promised to come around for a visit during semester break. She will no doubt bring another box full of incredibly pink stuff for Sarah, and the little girl will be excited at having "Ailoo" there to play tug off war with her hair. Sarah knows that "Ailoo" is part of the family, just like aunt "Áilee", aunt " Juju" (she hates the name and it makes Ryan smile every time), "Lin" (Kaitlin had said that Asian names were cool, anyway) and of course, "Nana" and "Es".

Ryan makes sure that she knows that her parents are part of the family as well, looking at pictures with her and telling her stories every night before they go to bed. Kirsten and Sandy were the best people Ryan ever met, and their daughter should know that, know how much they loved her, know that even if they aren't there, they somehow still are. Because they had been the ones who had brought them all together in the first place.

By now, Ryan has managed to get Sarah settled in her crib, the warm bottle already taken into tiny hands. She is looking up at him expectantly and he bends down to give her the required kiss on her cheek.

"I love you, kid" he says, like he does every time before she sleeps. He isn't sure how to make her feel as loved as he always did by Kirsten and Sandy, but he hopes saying it at least helps.

_Feedback makes me happy. It can be your good deed for the day!_


End file.
